Judgement Is A Hook!

Well, here we are in November. This is the time when people in the United States are working on Thanksgiving plans. Over the years, I have traveled to see family during this time, hosted gatherings for people that did not have family close and celebrated by accepting invitations to friend’s home.

Whatever I was doing, I was aware of a little bit of trepidation around how people would behave. My family of origin might have drama.  My gatherings might open the space for some people to express their sadness or became very vocal about relationship dysfunction.

I was recently having breakfast with my pilgrimage group in Egypt.  One woman was sharing about someone that had come back into her life unexpectedly and intensely.  She was upset and didn’t get why this was happening. She had been apart from this person for over twenty years. Why was he now coming in with such vitriol?  I could feel her anger, upset, and judgment of this person.  I looked at her and said, “you know judgment is a hook.”  She stared at me and then had a realization.  Her judgement was keeping her hooked into her ex, his patterns, and his behavior.  

This month, I want to share some personal insights and give you some tools to support you moving through this season with grace.

The Obligatory “Yes”

Okay, let’s get real.  We are clear that some families can create drama. We are clear that we can get triggered when we go home for the holidays.  We are clear that people know how to push our “trigger buttons” and can send us into unattractive behavior.  Sometimes, we are astounded how easy it was to revert to old patterns.  Our judgments and reactions under duress keep us locked into old ways of being.

Here’s the deal.  People want us to come home. We might even want to go home. However, if you are going to say yes out of an obligation to honor what is expected of you, it would behoove you to have an “inner peace’ plan.  Otherwise, you will do the same old things expecting a different result.  Some call that insanity.

One of the things that can move us out of center is our judgments.  We can think we are doing so great on our spiritual path.  We really believe we have conquered our reactive behavior. Then, The old demons leap into the field. Even though we have a commitment to give people the dignity of their journey, our inner critic came instantly jumps in and activates judgment. 

Anger and resentment are toxic and go hand in hand with judgement.  I know this because my hurt and judgments held me hostage to my father, stepfather, significant ex-partners, friendships, and children for years.  Then, I had a spiritual experience where I was shown that my judgments had me hooked into those people’s human challenges.  It was as if I was carrying them on my back up a mountain.

What I learned is that their behavior and unconscious acts don’t belong to me.  To heal, I had to face my upsets, hurts and wounds.  Embrace them all the while letting go. I had to honor the lessons learned.   Then, I had to get out of the way and release my “victimology” and my need to tell the stories of my abuse, trauma, or guilt again.

Create A Conscious “Peace” Strategy

You or you and your significant other can use any some or of these strategies to keep you in your center.

1. Set Ground Rules: Before the event, communicate with family members and set some basic ground rules for behavior and conversations. Encourage respectful dialogue and mutual understanding.
2. Plan Activities: Plan activities or games that engage everyone. Having a shared focus can reduce tensions and create a more pleasant atmosphere.
3. Seat Strategically: Seating arrangements can make a difference. Consider seating those who might not get along far apart and place more agreeable personalities closer to each other.
4. Avoid Sensitive Topics: Steering conversations away from sensitive topics like politics, religion, or contentious family history can help prevent heated discussions.
5. Delegate Responsibilities: Assign tasks to family members to keep everyone busy and involved. It can help reduce idle time that might lead to tension.
6. Offer Mediation or Music: If you anticipate potential conflicts, be ready to mediate or diffuse situations by calmly redirecting conversations or addressing issues discreetly. Calming music in the background can also assist.
7. Stay Positive and Grateful: Encourage an atmosphere of gratitude and positivity. Before the meal, consider having everyone share something they’re thankful for to set a positive tone.
8. Limit Alcohol: Alcohol can sometimes fuel conflicts. Consider serving drinks in moderation to prevent any escalation due to inebriation.
9. Encourage Respect: Remind everyone to be respectful of differing opinions and to listen actively without trying to change someone’s viewpoint forcefully. Loving boundaries are essential.
10. Create Distractions: Have a playlist of favorite songs or plan a post-dinner walk or activity. These distractions can diffuse tension and create more lighthearted moments.
11. Prepare Exit Strategies: Sometimes tensions can rise despite precautions. Have an exit strategy or a signal with a trusted family member to take a breather or leave if things become overwhelming.
12. Lead by Example: Show respect and calmness in your behavior. Your attitude can influence others and set the tone for the gathering.

Calming Affirmations

Here are three affirmations to support you during this upcoming season.  Feel free to use them as many times a day as you may need to keep you in your center.  Visualize yourself in a peaceful and quiet space and take a few breaths. (Note: You can do this in a room full of people. Just don’t close your eyes). Say the following:

• I breathe in love and exhale peace.  I am surrounded by love and peace. 

• I trust this present moment beyond appearances. I call in joy and gratitude.

• I choose to release worry and expectations. I choose to lean into my inner guidance and radiate the peace that lives within me.

Remember: despite a grand plan, conflicts can still arise. The goal is to minimize stress, surrender judgments and stay in your center.  You are always at choice.

Be kind to you first. Stay awake so that you are clear of how judgments have hijacked your peace of mind. I love you and I am grateful that we walk this path together. Have an incredible holiday and know that you are not alone.

Love and Light,

Cynthia