Non-Attachment Does Not Mean Disengagement

Last year my word for the year was non-attachment. It became my word because I was tired of being swept up in other people’s drama, world challenges, and family upheavals.  I set an intention to move into a place of “high noticing” instead of attachment to people, places, and things.  

Buddhism speaks very clearly about this.  It says non-attachment helps to cultivate the mental discipline necessary to follow the middle way. By letting go of attachment, individuals can better avoid the extremes of indulgence and denial, which can lead to suffering.

When you set an intention, the universe responds.  So, I was given many opportunities to practice non-attachment.  It happened with a family challenge, client overwhelm, and friendships in flux. 

I was having to learn to listen more deeply, feel my feelings, and choose to not take on other people’s energy.  Wow! What a ride.  It would become clear that non-attachment was not being dis-engaged.  I want to share what I learned and give you some tools to manage difficult moments and relationships.  

What Is Disengagement?

I want to share the difference between non-attachment and disengagement.  Disengagement is not feeling interested or involved in something. It can look like disengaged students, disengagement from people, disengaged at work or becoming disengaged from world events.  It can be the act of withdrawing from a group, organization or relationship that is an unpleasant situation.

Here are some signs of disengagement:

• Withdrawal or isolation
• Poor Communication
• Breaks From Routine
• Silence or
• An Apathetic Approach. …
• Absenteeism
• A Decline In Work Quality; Missed Deadlines.

In work organizations, employee disengagement might be a lack of purpose or meaning in the work. Sometimes, employees are there for a paycheck only. Or the mission of the company does not ignite passion in the employee. It can also mean that employees have engaged in triangulation, gossip, complaining and resistance that takes up most of their time and energy. It can demonstrate that people are experiencing some personal trauma that is leaving them overwhelmed.

I recently had a conversation with a leader client.  There were a small group of people that were creating challenges in the organization.  The leader expressed a sadness at having to become unattached to the possibility of their vision of a loving, connected team experience.  They had decided to place their attention on what the rest of the organization was building. I shared that what they were expressing was non-attachment and it didn’t mean they were dis-engaged. They still loved the work, many of the employees, expanding on the mission, and making a difference.  We concluded that the attention being off the disruptive people was a healthy choice and would give them the opportunity to get clear on how to move forward with the team.

Lovingly Step Back….It’s None Of Your Business!

It is difficult to remove yourself from situations with loved ones.  Especially, when you see them making choices that might not support them.  That happened to me this year.  A family member made a choice that was surprising and painful for many family members.  

My first instinct was to want to “fix” it. I wanted the person to know that they were loved and that this choice might create chaos.  It became clear quickly that the person did not want or need my opinion.  I’d love to tell you that I took what felt like rejection well, but I didn’t.  It stung and I felt hurt and sad.  

I have learned to go inside and deepen my spiritual practice when things hurt. So, for weeks I prayed, meditated, and journaled. I kept getting the message that the person was on their own journey, and it was not my business to interfere.  It took a while but eventually I could think about the situation and not feel any need to insert myself into this person’s choices.  

Here is what is amazing.  A calm came over me and it became clear that I had to learn my own lessons and that is true for everyone else.  My need to “fix” was about control, and I was to back off and trust that the soul of the individual would choose what is necessary for their growth. I had no idea what this person really needed to heal and transform. The situation didn’t change but I did. That person is now on my prayer list and that is enough. 

Tools To Practice Non-Attachment

These three tools might really support you in practicing non-attachment.  They have truly supported me. 

Letting Go – Practice letting go of any emotional attachment to who you are in relation to the other people. This doesn’t mean letting go of the relationship, or your feelings for the other anyone. You can still love deeply even if there is physical distance.

Practice Observation/Witnessing – Begin observing your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and environment. Notice when you want to step in or take control. Notice when you are in judgement or want to cling to someone or something. This is the perfect time to practice non-attachment and loving acceptance of the choices of others.

Review Your Expectations: Look inside and see if you are placing expectations on people or organizations that can create stress. If you are expecting others to do things the way you do, you are setting yourself up for upset.  What if you leaned into trusting that we all have powerful inner guidance that will support our life experience. 

I will say that practicing non-attachment for over a year has brought me such peace, harmony, and calm.  I can be loving and kind and allow people to have the dignity of their own journey. It has made a world of difference in all of my relationships. 

Here is an affirmation to use as you practice non-attachment: “I lovingly support the life choices of all beings. I let go of judgment and any need to control others. I release the need to hold on to anything or anyone because I know every soul is here to learn and grow.  I place my full attention of loving and honoring all.”

Know that you are loved, important and you matter.  Give people the space to find their own self-love.

Much love and light,

Cynthia