“We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.”
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
February is always interesting to me. People get a little fixated on Valentine’s Day and partnership. I understand. I used to whine to my friends when I was without a partner on Valentine’s Day. It felt so lonely. Then someone said to me, “why don’t you be your valentine?” It was like a big “aha” moment. I went right out and got myself a card, flowers, and booked a dinner with one of my closest friends. This story is from many years ago, but it turned out to be a profound moment. During dinner, we talked about how many aspects of love existed. The insights from the conversation are what I want to share with you this month.
Kahlil Gibran said, “Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit.” For me, love is the essence of life itself. There are so many aspects of love. Our job is to connect with love and bring it to the planet. How? We can practice love of self. We can love family and friends. We can practice loving through service in the community. We can love our planet by choosing to be conscious.
My family was not great at showing love. We did activities together, but we all learned to be fiercely independent and not need to depend on anyone. While an excellent survival technique, it is not so great in teaching us to allow love to flourish in every aspect of life. It was amazing to witness how easy it was for people in my family to let go of relationships, jobs, and community experiences. It never dawned on me I was learning those behaviors. My therapist invited me to look at how easy it was for me to shut down and shut off my loving. He pointed out I would have intense emotional experiences and then find a way to move on and close the door. He shared how my family had taught me to compartmentalize love, and until I could expand my ability to love, life would be challenging. I heard him but was clueless about how to make these changes. Then, I fell in love with a dog!
My ex-husband had an Akita named Sushi. I had never owned a dog and wasn’t quite sure how to manage this dog with a big personality. Sushi was a loving and loyal dog. When I began dating his master, we immediately connected. I loved taking him on walks and snuggling with him. He was protective and yet gentle at the same time. The moment he entered my space, my heart opened. It was unconditional and sincere. I shared about him with my therapist, and we talked about love is energy and can transcend form. It just is. My time with Sushi opened me to the possibility I could expand my loving into every area of my life.
Aspects of Love
Let’s take a journey together and explore how you can experience love with or without a partner.
Love of Self
I coach many people who struggle with self-love and self-care. They spend an excessive amount of time looking outside for affection, validation, and connection. Here’s the truth. Love of SELF is the most potent portal there is to experience deep and abiding love. When my marriage ended, it was evident once again; I had wanted someone to “complete” me. I decided I was the one I needed. So, I went in search of me. Here is what I did:
- I wrote down all the things I loved and did each one of them by myself. That included movies, shopping, hiking, retreats, and silent meditation. It wasn’t easy because my activities always included the people I wanted to impress.
- I took a deep dive into spiritual practice. I got a prayer partner and committed to 30 minutes of meditation a day.
- I began to practice saying no to anyone and anything which did not feed my soul. It was shocking for some people in my life. Some even left.
- I committed to more therapy. I need to understand the “why” of my unconscious choices.
- I went deeper in honoring and supporting my children.
- I changed my diet and began to exercise regularly.
During this time, I fell in love with me. So, when my current husband, Carl, arrived I was ready. I knew who I was and what I wanted in a partnership — no more co-dependency. We got to create health in and as a relationship. We have been together for 25 years, and I give thanks every day.
Love in Community
The one thing my childhood gave me was a community of cousins. We played together, danced together, created shows, and got in trouble, as a group, many times. We all knew the group would stand for us. The group would fight for us. When I moved to be on my own, I desperately wanted a community, a tribe. It wasn’t until I was in my thirties a group of seven women came together. We created a prayer group and supported each other for almost 30 years. We went through births, deaths, betrayals, successes, and illnesses. It was amazing and became the foundation of the work I do with women today.
Our organization is very intentional about creating communities and experiences where women can feel seen, heard, and safe. The women in our groups love each other, hold each other accountable, and celebrate wins. If you don’t have a tribe, here is a formula for creating one.
- Connect with people who have the same values
- Create rituals of love and support
- Call each other into visibility and success
- Honor confidentiality as a sacred tool (it is)
- Play and have fun as a part of the community
Love of the Planet
Okay, it is no secret our planet is suffering. Wildfires, hurricanes, earthquakes, volcano eruptions, viruses, and water shortages tell us something is wrong. Climate change and the lack of care by humanity is causing the planet to cry out. Animals, plant life, and human beings alike are suffering. I know we are not all prepared to take action. But here are some thoughts which might ignite something in you:
- Don’t throw trash on the street
- Recycle if possible
- Use less plastic
- Turn off lights in your home and office in spaces not being used
- Get a hybrid or electric car if you can
- Ride-share if possible
- Use public transit when possible
- Write your senators and ask them to make our planet a priority
Whatever you do matters. Together we can bring love and light to this planet. We can pour love into ourselves, our children, our families, our communities, and our world. I believe love is the answer to every question.
Know this Valentine’s Day, I hold you in my heart and prayer. You are the beloved of the universe.
If you are interested in joining my community, please visit cynthiajames.net and look around.
Love and light,
Cynthia
