THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR EMPATHY

Around the world, people are in such pain and discomfort. No one taught us how to deal with a pandemic, social unrest, political divisions and discordant experiences.  Many of us were also not taught to “walk in another’s shoes” before we judge or condemn them.  One of the things I have been noticing is how much life could shift if everyone had a little more empathy.

Definition of the word empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Without empathy – there is no honoring, understanding, acceptance, compassion, no connection, no trust, and ultimately, no safety.

Author and leadership expert Stephen Covey stated, “When you show deep empathy toward others, their defense energy goes down and positive energy replaces it. That’s when you can get more creative in solving problems.

I work with many people around the world and there are so many times that I hear, “I just want to be heard, seen and understood.”  I believe that is something we all want because those experiences become the foundation of one feeling safe.

I have really been looking at this for myself.  It is very easy to allow my opinions, beliefs and conditioning to judge other people and their actions.  However, when I break it down, I can see myself in those people. I have reacted to situations. I have been irrational.  I have been unkind. I have been made snap judgments that affected others.  I have not always done in-depth research to make sure that my assumptions were accurate. Knowing this, how dare I be unwilling to listen to another.

There is a story that always touches my heart and is a perfect example of empathy,

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.

“Mister,” he said, “I want to buy one of the puppies.” “Well,” said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, “These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.”

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. “I’ve got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?”

“Sure,” said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. “Here, Dolly!” he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.

As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring just inside the dog house. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the littlest pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up…

“I want that one,” the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy’s side and said, “Son, you don’t want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would.”

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so, he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, “You see sir, I don’t run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands. I do.”

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup and gave it to the child.

Levels of Empathy

Emotion researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.

Lacking empathy stops our ability to develop and nurture interpersonal connections.  That leads to upsets in relationships, broken trust, and isolation.  Our health and well-being less effective navigating situations. Especially, in stressful; times.   Let’s look at how empathy can be expressed.

Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand how a person feels and what they might be thinking. Cognitive empathy makes us better communicators.  It helps us share information in a way that best reaches other people. It can feel like actually imagining what it is like to actually be this person in their situation. It lends itself to the idea of putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes.⁴

As a child, I experienced this a great deal. I would walk into a room after playing and having fun.  I would start to cry for no reason.  It took me a long time to understand that I was feeling someone else’s pain.

Emotional empathy is the ability to share the feelings of another person. A lot of sensitive people experience this.  It is like ‘catching” someone’s emotions. Some describe it as feeling the pain of someone else in your heart.  This type of empathy helps you build emotional connections with others.

Emotional empathy is good because it means that we can readily understand and feel other people’s emotions. It also means that we can respond to family, friends and others experiencing distress.

• Emotional empathy is good because it means that we can readily understand and feel other people’s emotions. It also means that we can respond to family, friends and others experiencing distress.
• Emotional empathy is challenging, because it is possible to become overwhelmed by those emotions. It then becomes hard to respond and be present. People can begin to feel overwhelmed. The call becomes connecting to self-control and separation of which emotions actually belong to the other person and not you.

Compassionate empathy can be interesting because it goes beyond simply understanding others and sharing their feelings: it actually moves us to take action, to help however we can.  In other words, feeling someone’s pain and taking action to assist. It is about feeling concern for someone, but with an additional move towards action to bring solution to the problem.  Compassionate empathy can be the most appropriate because people that want empathy don’t just want to be understood. They want support to help them take action.

Somatic empathy is defined as feeling someone else’s pain physically.  Somatic empathy, involves having a physical reaction in response to what someone else is experiencing.

Spiritual empathy is defined as a direct connection with a ‘higher being’ or consciousness. It is the same as ‘enlightenment’ in the eastern philosophical tradition, and considered to be achievable through meditation.

Finding the Balance

Compassionate empathy can create the balance between logic and emotion.

• We can feel another person’s pain, as if it was happening to us, and therefore express the appropriate amount of sympathy.
• We can also remain in control of our own emotions and apply reason to the situation.
• This supports making better decisions and provide appropriate support to them when and where it is necessary.

I recently heard this story.  During the election, a woman standing line to vote for hours. Someone in front of her passed out.  She felt so much sadness and compassion. It was a long wait and no support.  So, she decided to do something. She did not know the people in line but she wanted to help. So, she had pizza’s and water delivered.  She expressed compassionate empathy.

As I close, please remember we are here as a community of humanity.  Here are some thoughts for you to activate.

• Make no one invisible to you
• Show everyone that they matter – even if you disagree
• Honor every one’s point of view

Potential Barriers to Empathy

• How you were raised
• How people treated you when you had emotional needs
• What people taught you about emotion
• Messages you received about the value of emotions
• Fear of becoming overwhelmed
• Fear of getting stuck in emotions with another person

Skills strengthened by empathy

• Emotional connection
• Collaboration
• Creativity
• Safety

With empathy you can create

• Out of the box thinking
• Collaboration
• Co-Creation

I want you to know that I see you and honor you. Wherever you are, please remember that you are no alone. Together, love and respect can heal us.

Much love,

Cynthia